I wanted to write a blog that has nothing to do with boudoir photography but it does have a lot to do about empowerment. I hope these words help inspire someone reading this.
As I reflect back to the past 12 months since my father left us, I see all the things that have happened that have redefined my life…again. The first thing I can reflect on is the countless times that my life has changed directions. It has not been destiny, it has always been me, trying to find meaning to my life, that has brought me to abruptly change my life and my circumstances. I have been married and divorced three times (I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to say it), I have changed careers three times, I have moved countless times. But I always return to my origin, my source and the people that influenced me the most to become the woman that I am today. When I think of my upbringing, my father is always the strongest influence. Growing up and also as an adult already, I saw him change his life, his family, his city, his everything, always to pursue what made him happy. I missed him a lot when he separated from us and created a new family, and then again when he went away with his third wife to a secluded ranch in the Mexican mountains for the next 13 years. He lived happily ever after finally those 13 years before he was diagnosed with terminal cancer.
The biggest lessons that I learned from him, now that I can look back at what I perceive was his life, were:
-When he fell and I saw him as defeated, he got up and tried again. He never complained or blamed anyone for his situation, he just figured something out and looked for the next thing.
-He never regretted his decisions and never blamed anyone for the outcome, good or bad. All the decisions that he made, were always in the pursuit of his happiness.
-He was not afraid to die and when he was told he had six to eight months to live, his answer was “Well, I will die then, what’s next?”
Through the months of his breakdown, he made sure to take care of his most important commitments to the people that had made promises. He knew we (my sister and I) could take care of all loose ends.
He had no regrets and was at peace all those months, just enjoying his new born daughter (yes, I have a new baby sister!) and remembering the years when we were kids, all the adventures and our life in general, that although we were never wealthy and he was always hustling to produce income, he always made us feel rich and privileged.
Because of him, I have learned never to regret the decisions I take in my life. I see everything that I have lived as the foundation to the woman that I have become. Everything that I have done in my life has been to pursue my happiness and even in tough times I keep repeating to myself what my father always said “God chokes you but he won’t strangle you”, the Spanish translation is “Dios aprieta pero no ahorca”. He was and continues to be right and although he is not longer with us, I still feel his presence making me feel that “Everything will be ok” and I can still hear his voice telling me “Hechele ganas, no se raje!” (Push on, don’t give up!).
So, as I have come to a new chapter in my life with two full time photography studios and newly single, I am embracing who I am. My body because I have learned to love it and accept it just as it is. My past because it has molded me into who I am and has made me wiser. My present because today I am the best version of me so far, and my future, because I am not afraid anymore, I know, everything will be ok.
I have to admit, like my father, I am not afraid of dying. I will be at peace if tomorrow I had to die. I prefer to stick around for a long time in this world really, I see life as a long vacation and I’m having the time of my life! Always discovering new things, creating new challenges and finding what I am capable of. I have found my passion through boudoir photography and teaching other to reach their goals. And as far as a companion in my life, I realized that the right person will arrive when I am ready. My past three relationships I made them happen because I was forcing something that I was not ready for and it was really not for me. I was blessed with three good men that taught me a lot about myself, I thank them for that and I am happy that I released them from me so they could find the right person for them. Now I can see that I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy and one day, the right person will come to my life to stay.
I will always pursue my dreams without fear of failing, because failing is just an illusion, it doesn’t exist. It is just an indication of what I’m not supposed to do or where I am not meant to be.
I will always live my life fully and my life will not be a regret.